Monthly Archives: May 2015

“Worth”

There is a saying, “if you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it is yours forever. If it doesn’t, it was never meant to be.” I received this quote at the end of a love letter once, but he ended it this way “if it doesn’t, hunt it down and kill it.” Kill it.
I wonder why, after more than 20 years, this saying has stayed with me, stuck in my head, branded on my heart and attached to my body like a moldy glue. Of course, this letter, his words, his beautiful, sickening and meaningless words, stay with me. Words are just that. Words. They mean nothing, really. Actions mean everything. It’s cliche. So cliche to watch the actions of others for their true feelings. He had a lot of action too. What started as an innocent first love ended as a complete disaster, taking my self-esteem, my heart and confidence with him. He was a thief.
As a budding writer, my mind takes me in many directions. Some days, actually most days, my writing and poetry is spiritual in nature, whimsical, penetrating and at times, too deep for even my own mind to grasp. On select days, like today, my mind takes a dive into another life of mine. Seemingly like yesterday, I remember the words, the actions, the love he gave to me. Lessons learned? Perhaps. But as my pre-teen daughter enters into a new chapter, growing up before my eyes and beginning to explore relationships with boys, my desire to protect and shield her from harm is growing at an alarming rate. I feel like a detective. Watching for signs. Waiting to see evidence of hurt on her body and in her eyes. Nothing yet. Good. Nothing, yet. Hopefully never.
The signs are well hidden. We cover our pain in many ways. It happens even with friends, family, strangers. A word can cut like a knife through your heart. One word can elevate high above the clouds. In my long-gone abusive relationship, those remnants of words and actions remain with me. However, I still cower at times at cruel words. Often, those around me are not aware that they are being cruel. They lash out because of their own issues and experiences. But experiencing cruelty that finally led to physical abuse sits in the back of my mind.
Abuse comes in many forms. Abandonment, neglect, callousness, cruelty, selfishness, disregard for feelings. Most often we harm those we love the most. I wonder why? Why do we hurt those we love? I convince myself that he didn’t mean to. I reconciled many excuses for his behavior. His family, his experiences, his lack of parental guidance. Total lack of self-awareness. Now, more that 20 years later, I realize there are no excuses to mentally, spiritually or physically hurt another human or living thing. We can only teach our own children how to treat others and hope that they learn by example. It is constant. Teaching love, respect and kindness is constant and right.
There are times when I transform back into that young, impressionable girl. I wish I would have been more courageous and brave and stood up to him. I am still evolving in that regard. I have forgiven him. Sometimes I wonder why women don’t discuss abuse more openly. There is a societal stigma attached to abuse, I guess. Breaking out of any kind of abusive relationship is complicated. Finding the immense strength to do it is frightening. The abuser convinces the abused to stay, for a myriad of reasons.
Learning self-love, respect and having confidence takes time. The scars I have will never leave me. However, my hope is that my writing this morning will reach just one person. I hope that person decides today that the harm he has caused you is not worth it, that he is not worth it. He is not worthy of being with a beautiful soul like you. You are worth love, kindness and respect. You, beautiful YOU.
“Worth”
Breaking bones
Heavy load
My back exposed, yet glorified
Right arm twisted
Head mutilated, by words
His strength, his dominance
My legs, held onto by anger
Won’t let me go
Dragging down the stairs, in a fit of rage
My face, taking in destructive shouts
“you son of a bitch” I wish I could say
“try it now, try me now”
“you _______” he yells
“you _______” he screams
“I’m sorry” I plead
“I am love” I say
My wings appeared, in desperate sorrow
Creamy white, sugary sweet
Given to me in his rage and manipulation
Deceitfulness and control
My beautiful wings
Used for good, hope, peace
Invisible reminders of my own worth
Brought to me out of hate
Love and Light, M

“A Silent Kingdom”

Cobwebs drape the dogwoods
Threads barely touching as their strength binds the forest floor

Lush green undercurrents erupt
A Mayapple army marches in succession towards the giant oaks

Lonely sparrows circle their kingdom
Searching for a home nestled high

In the clearing, the gypsies dance under the dusk lit horizon
Beckoning kindred spirits ask for clarity among the dogwoods

A platter with a feast for kings
In the depths of the young forest

Their queen emerges in the moonlight
Purple fairies cling to her earthen body

Mellifluous sounds fill the treasured place
A constant flow of everlasting love resides here

A box of prayers waits under the Three Sisters
Journeymen come, hoping for salvation

Within the young forest, dreams are woven into the thriving medley of lilies
Rising energy in the infinite mist

Love and Light, M

bristlecone at dusk

Will such a day ever come to me?
Where the air smells of pines and sugar
When I open my eyes to the majesty before me
Alpine lakes crystal shimmering amongst the Buddha mountains

It is here in my fragile, intricate mind
A day that I can dream of
I can touch it, faithfully
I commit to that day, will you?

Close by, it waits for my arrival
A day such as this comes only to the pure of heart
As hope fills my veins, rejoicing in the thought

My freedom lives in such a day
Songs I’ve yet to hear
Words I’ve yet to write
Are you there, with me?

Will such a day ever come to me?
Awakening without suffering
Stepping into the gentle future
My hands my gift, my heart my life
The mountains, my home

Love and Light, M

“A Storm of Souls”

 

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Jewels of gold roll in from the west

Electric light on the bark

They shake as thunder crashes

A ship of souls arrives with the storm

Landing on the edge of the cliff
Dispersing into the murky streets outside
Ghosts of the past corrupt the night
Repeat the mantra to protect the innocent

A night like this reminds us of our strengths
Significant details of what we love and why we are here
Still here
Learning, teaching, living our soul lessons

Teach love, only love
One by one, we forgive

Even the most evil
Even the most wretched

Again, the most brilliant
Again, the most powerful

In the silent space between the strikes
Outside my window another world exists
Inside my head, a fascinating tapestry of storms
Dearly beloved, can you see it?

A ghost ship moves into the east
Cracking thunder and silver electricity
Taking the evil and wretched
Taking the brilliant and powerful

Sailing into the spring lit night
A delicate saving on the horizon

Still here, forever here, on the edge of the cliff, we stand

Love and Light, M

“Beholden”

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Who, or what, are you beholden to?

“One love, one blood, one life
You got to do what you should
One life, with each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life, but we’re not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One”
ONE- U2

Beholden to the One
Who taught me to see clearly, beyond the black and white
The movement beneath it all
The magnificent energy radiating from the center of living things

Carry me, on those long, formidable days
When I cannot breathe
As I try to reach the divine
Carry me

Thank you, Grateful, Blessed
Are not enough
There are no words that mean what I want to say
True and timeless, yes

Beholden to the One
Who gave me courage to be me
Using my words to express
Using my lens to deliver nature’s message

Carry me, when I cannot walk
As I ride the confluence of waves
Breaking against the essence of time
Carry me

We are beholden to the Ones
Who carry us on their backs
Who show us that God is love and God is art
Who teach us forgiveness
Who love us unconditionally

Love and Light, M

“Make A Wish”

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“You are the sunshine of my life
That’s why I’ll always be around
You are the apple of my eye
Forever you’ll stay in my heart”- Stevie Wonder

May 1973

On the cusp of summer
Visiting angels meet on the playground to discuss the days journey
Pears and Redbuds strike the baby blue sky
Notes of pink and purple frame the afternoon

A penny on the road has that special date imprinted in its copper body
Just as those memories
Are imprinted on me
Visiting angel, you are infinity

We blow the lion’s tooth
To make a wish for utter faithfulness
The dandelions blow hope into the wind
It’s language recognized by all

The gravel road leads us to nowhere
That’s where we should go
A simple place where the birds wake us
Where the sun always shines warmly on our backs

Travel back to that time
We played like children on the teeter-totter
Laughing at the balancing act between our strengths and weaknesses
Sweetly, we our drew hearts in the dirt with our names inside them

A carousel circles the middle
I stand there, waiting for the right time to jump
You wait outside the dusty circle
Ready to catch me

On the cusp of summer
May 1973
We agreed to remain faithful to our journeys
I hold the copper penny in my tiny hand, just for luck, glad to be fortunate

Love and Light, M